Eyes Wide Shut
by x-La vie en rose-x
Summary: H/R angsty songfic. AU 5.5 Reviews are always helpful.


**A/N: This is what happens when I try to associate _every _song I hear with H/R. The song is The Hill from the movie Once by the lovely Marketa Irglova. The movie is lovely and the song is lovely. I highly recommend listening/seeing both. AU 5.5 An angsty songfic oneshot. Sadly don't own Spooks or the song.**

**For some reason whilst uploading this all of my apostrophes have disappeared. So if I missed some I do apologise.  
**

**Eyes Wide Shut**

_Walking up the hill tonight  
when you have closed your eyes._

_I wish I didn't have to make  
all those mistakes and be wise._

Your head is cradled on the soft pillow. The warmth beneath the sheets nestles you closer into reverie. A sleepy gaze touches his eyes and you love that you can watch him fall asleep this one time. You yearn to touch his cheek but your irrational fears prevent the gesture; afraid he'll disappear. For now you are content to just hear him softly breathing whilst the nights events replay vividly in your mind.

_Please try to be patient  
and know that I'm still learning._

_I'm sorry that you have to see  
the strength inside me burning._

You pace the floor so anxiously, wondering if you've done the right thing. The knot in your stomach is twisting tighter with each passing minute. You try your best to keep the tears away from your eyes. You know you've done the right thing for him. But for you, you're not so sure. You're frightened of the future that is so unknown; all you can see is gray and black in your mind. So clouded and hazy, you can't fully grasp what will come. And you are terrified. The quiet knock on the door startles you that a small yelp escapes your constricted throat. Peering through the spy-hole you see him, your heart demanding to pound it's way out of your chest. You open the door; wordlessly he rushes inside the safety of the small room. You're still facing the door; locking it you can't bring yourself to turn to face him.

'Ruth,' he gasps with breath.

As usual, hearing his voice sends a thrill through your body.

'Ruth, look at me,' whispered now.

'I can't seem too,' though nervously smiling the tears are threatening to spill now.

_But where are you my angel now?  
Don't you see me crying?_

_And I know that you can't do it all  
but you can't say I'm not trying._

You can feel his warm presence behind you; as if he can hear your plea he turns you round, his arms holding your somnolent body.

'Why, Ruth?' sighing, his hands stroking your hair.

'Why did you do this?' holding you to his body closer still.

You tell yourself to be brave, to face your feelings and tell him what you've felt since first meeting him. What he already knows but has yet to hear you say. You smooth your hands over his chest, your head pressed to it you hear his steady heartbeat. His coat is wet from your tears and you speak into the damp wool. With all the love you can convey,

'You know why, Harry.'

_I'm on my knees in front of him  
but he doesn't seem to see me._

_With all his troubles on his mind  
he's looking right through me._

You pull away quickly drying your eyes, your head bowed leading him to the only place to sit, the bed. You know the words are swirling in his mind trying to wrap around them and spread to the other parts of his being. He is facing towards you but his eyes are a distant. His face is slacked and his brow furrowed. You know that he his in pain from all that has transpired. You don't want this to be the only memory of your goodbye. You can't let this be the end. Your fingers touch the crease in his brow to try to smooth away the worry. Trailing down to his cheek, eventually touching his lips anticipating what you hope to happen. The gesture has brought him back to you. He gently kisses your fingers. After a slow blink he finally sees you.

_And I'm letting myself down  
beside this fire in you. _

_  
And I wish that you could see  
that I have my troubles too._

Your breathing is suddenly so loud. Your chest starts to heave to gain enough breath. He strokes your cheek and your foreheads meet. Your eyes close knowing the taste, the softness of his lips will soon be on yours. You're flooded with the thoughts of so many dreams you've had of this moment, rushing into your mind, but the sweetness of it surpasses all the fantasies you've ever imagined.

Soon the kisses turn from tender on your lips....

to passionate on your neck....

to fierce on your body....

Clothes are strewn across the floor, whilst you intertwine together beneath the cotton fabric.  
It isn't necessary, to speak. Words aren't needed to express what feelings are coarsening through you.

You call out his name....

He calls out yours....

You almost wish to die in the moment; just knowing that the last thing you felt was him, with you.

_  
Looking at you sleeping  
I'm with the man I know. _

_I'm sitting here weeping  
while the hours pass so slow. _

Seeing him sleep now so peaceful, without the strain of reality bearing in on his mind. You etch every feature, every speck, everything about him into your brain. So you can have him with you when you sleep. And in sleep you will be together.

You whisper his name,  
'Harry.'

He mumbles back,  
'Ruth.'

Your pillow now soaked with tears.

_  
And I know that in the morning  
I'll have to let you go _

_and you'll be just a man  
once I used to know. _

The bright numbers on the clock stare at you, mocking you with each passing minute. Though if you watch them time will somehow slow down. It's when you take your eyes away you know it will speed up and the moments with him will be lost.

The number you've been dreading has arrived. You try to stifle your heartache. You don't know how, but you find the power to leave the bed to get dressed. You don't want to wake him. You know it will hurt him that you didn't let him say goodbye. But as hard as the situation is, this is the easiest for you. And the coward in you takes over, depressing the pain you are trying so desperately not to feel. But it still doesn't stop you from reaching for one last touch of his skin on yours. You reach to feel him but instead of the warmth of his skin you are met with the cool of the sheet.

_  
But for these past few days  
someone I don't recognize. _

_  
This isn't all my fault.  
when will you realize?_

You're eyes open wide. Gasping for the breath held you sit straight up. You've been plagued with the same dream for the past week. The pain so raw and so real, reliving it every night. You hear soft breathing next to you. You take in your surroundings and come back to reality. You calm yourself and settle back into bed. He stirs with your movement. His strong hands reach out to pull you close to him. His warmth holds you in the present.

He sleepily says your name,  
'Ruth?'

You hug yourself closer into his body.  
'You okay?' he asks.

'Fine, I'm fine,' you state.  
'It was just a dream.'

You softly caress his hand.  
'Go back to sleep. It was only a dream.'

He nestles his face into the back of your head and kisses your hair.

'Good night, Ruth.'

_Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign _

Tears silently drop to your pillow.

'Good night, George.'

**Thanks for reading. I know it was really angsty, but if I surprised you at the end let me know by leaving a review. Cheers.**


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